I remember your smile.
For the first time in my life, I am hit with heartbreak. The feeling that you will never see the person you love ever again. I am also feeling peace, because I know that he is content in the gardens of Jannah.
I think no matter how much you think you are prepared for someone to leave this world forever, you aren’t. It doesn’t matter how much of time you’ve had to deal with this thought, you don’t fully grasp the concept.
I went to sleep the night before thinking that the next day I would go to the hospital and be with my family, reading Qur’an, making dua, asking Allah to help us overcome this very difficult challenge that my family was facing. For two whole months, all of our lives revolved around this: going to the hospital and making dua for shifaa.
That Tuesday afternoon, I met my cousin at the jamaat khana on campus and the moment I saw her face, I knew what had happened. I thank Allah for her being there in the moment where I needed my family the most.
The person who passed away is my grandfather’s brother, my mum’s uncle. I’ve heard many people say that your father’s brothers are your father and your mother’s sisters are your mother. In my mum’s case, this is true. He was a father to her. The stories I heard about him when I was growing up proved this. My mum always said that he never told her no for anything, whatever she wanted, he would always do it for her. My mum and her siblings grew up with him, he was their fun uncle, the uncle who made things happen for them and took them places.
The thing about life is that people only remember the way you made them feel. Every single time I saw him, he gave me the biggest of smiles and always made me feel so special, even when he was in hospital, he’d ask how I was and if I was good, then he was good. He made my heart so full.
The mayyit was the hardest moment of my entire life. I was determined to be strong because I felt like this was not my moment to break, I needed to be a pillar of strength for my family, especially for my pillars of strength, my grandfather, my grandmother, my mum and my uncles. But seeing my family break down absolutely broke me. I had never in my entire life felt the way I was feeling. The final Yaseen at home was my absolute breaking point, there wasn’t a person in the mayyit room who didn’t shed a tear. My little cousin sat with me and it’s absolutely amazing how the innocence of children can make your heart feel a little less heavy.
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (13:28)
I have never read anything more true in my entire life. I say with full conviction that only with the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find ease. With every letter of the Qur’an read, with every durood recited, with every “Laillaha Illillah” conveyed, Allah sent down a feeling of ease. Alhamdulillah.
I am comforted by the fact that I know Allah cleansed him before Allah took him home. I know that he is relaxing in the gardens of Jannah, waiting for us to join him. He is in the company of all those that we’ve lost with no sickness and no worries. He is content.
There are still moments where I forget that he is gone, then I remember and I feel the pang in my heart that I will never see his smile, hear his voice or feel his hugs.
This loss is my first reminder that life is short, that it is fleeting, that it can be taken away at any moment. It is a reminder that I need to do better. I need to be a better person, a better muslim, that I need to live my life solely with the intention of pleasing Almighty Allah.
It is also a reminder that I need to value the people in my life even more. I need to tell them that I love them, that I appreciate them, that they make me so happy, that they make my heart so full, that they make me who I am, that without them, my life wouldn’t be anything, that they take the ordinary moments and make them extraordinary, that they are worth it and that I am simply so blessed to have them.
I read a post that said there’s some things we never say to people that we love but we should:
- It is an honour that we exist in the same space and time didn’t choose to separate us by eons.
- The world is a better place with your soul in it.
- Laughing with you plucks anxiety out of my heart.
- I pray about you.
So I’m saying it to the people I love:
- It really is an honour that we exist in the same space and time didn’t choose to separate us by eons, its amazing that Allah gave you to me and He knew exactly that I needed you.
- The world is most definitely a better place with your soul in it, you complete my world.
- Laughing with you plucks anxiety out of my heart and soul, nothing makes me feel better than laughing with you and the laughter makes me feel so content.
- I pray about you, you’re always in my duas.
May Allah keep our loved ones safe.
May Allah keep our loved ones content.
May Allah keep our loved ones blessed with the best of this world and the next.
And May Allah reunite us with our loved ones in Jannah.